My Feet and Legs Hurt, They Cry

I survived working five straight days walking! My feet and legs hurt, they cry. How I wish I could go to a massage place and have my feet be massaged real good. It would be awesome. However, I try not to spend any money on that thing for it is expensive. I would rather save up every penny I have for I have a goal.

The kind of job I have right now requires physical strength. I feel pretty beat up when I come home every night plus a lack of sleep makes me constantly tired during the day. People at work don’t understand me, unlike most people over there, I don’t get to rest or sit down during down time. The only chance I can sit down is when I take my lunch break.

They say, I am still young and they question me why I am tired while they have been working for years and years of their life plus they are older than me. They don’t relate with me, they don’t understand. They get to sit down as long as it pleases them, I don’t. I deliver food during meal time non-stop for two or more hours. They spend more time sitting down than walking or moving around that is why they don’t feel as tired as I am.

But who am I to complain? I chose to apply as a hostess so I just endure it. I am not one of those who report to work, do less, sit 80% while they are there and receive a rate same as mine or more. At the end of the day, I feel proud for receiving my salary knowing that I work hard to earn it.

Since I dread going to a massage parlor, I would just soak my feet with epsom salt and lukewarm water. Maybe it will ease the pain a little bit, we shall see! This is economical plus I get to do my online tasks, enjoying my cup of green tea at the same Facebook-ing too.

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Maybe Too Late Now

I admire those grandmothers who are so fond with their grandchildren and truly enjoyed their presence. The smiles, the hugs, the bonding and the moment they create each time they’re together is precious. Whenever I see them outside, it makes me wonder what if my children has a grandma too? I mean, literally, a grandma that is accepting and loving them wholeheartedly.

They got one in the Philippines but they only see her once every two years. The other grandma who is my husband’s mother, they don’t know and never meet is still unknown to them. It all started because she disliked me as a Filipina for her son and called me such an unthinkable name without even knowing me first before cutting me off. Even our two children were born, she was still firm of her opinion towards me and divorced her son’s family entirely just because of her judgmental mindset.

In the past years, she sent greeting cards to my husband and not acknowledging that he has a family. To her, we don’t exist. It’s been like that since we’re married and 11 years today, she finally wrote in her Christmas card ” and family” for the first time in history.

Why now, old woman? You are probably sick that’s why you are reaching out to your son and son’s family, eh? This is what I can tell you, I am not holding a grudge against you but YOU ARE MISSING OUT great time with a lot of things. How many Thanksgivings and Christmases you’ve missed and not being able to spend those special holidays with your grand children? Have you ever wondered how and what could’ve been a happy and full of unforgettable days of your life that at least left you with wonderful memories?

Tsk tsk, you’ve spent 11 years of your life of being lonely just because of your one great mistake for not accepting your son’s family and not letting them in your life. Your great loss, old woman, not mine or theirs, BUT YOURS!

Fortunately though, we are living a happy and healthy life as a family without you in it. And you are probably depressed, alone, bitter and full of anger. Longing for your two sons’ attention, love and care but you’re not getting it. Never!

Recap of My So-Called Homeland Vacation

Pardon for the long absence in blogosphere. As most of my friends know, I went on a vacation to my homeland with our girls for a month. While being there, I did not have a decent internet service so I could not update my blogs as often as I wanted to.

Anyway, we are back here in the States since last week and still suffering what we call “jetlag”. My body clock is adjusting to the new time zone. I can’t sleep at night and can only take a few hours nap during the day.
Anyway, I did not expect for my vacation to be so exhausting and stressful for my part and some of my family members affected. I was really hoping I could take a relaxing vacation but to my dismay, there are people there that caused so much trouble to our mother due to drug use and had gotten worse over the years to the point of maltreating her and kicking her out of her own house.

A few days after my arrival in Cebu, we had an early confrontation with two of my younger brothers, it was me and my mother and them against us. We hurled hurtful words against each other because they were becoming so disrespectful of my mother and me that made me moved out of the house where we grew up. According to them, I brought trouble with me when I arrived.

Not only that I had to deal with those two SOBS, yet another challenge came up. We went to the beach for my second born’s birthday and my nephew had a near-drowning accident that almost cost him his life. He was so lucky there were doctor and midwife interns at the beach that performed CPR on him and  got revived. All medical bills were paid for none other than me. Then this drug addict father of the child wanted some of the money that the beach resort refunded me. Heck, he did not even contribute a peso for that accident.

Then a major job I had to do, I moved my mother out of that hell house, finally. After years and years of verbal abuse and threats from her son, she can finally have a relief from stress. I paid her house rental for two months and for the cab that we rented to transport some of her stuff to the new house. Arggs!

After all that financial help I did, he had the guts to chase me with a “sundang”. Only because I did not pay him of his three days work towards the fence I built up against the neighbors. Shameless SOB, he eats, sleeps and don’t wash his dirty dishes yet he acted like I was the one who owe him anything? F!

I did not get to enjoy my vacation until the last week of it. Thanks to my little siblings who were there for me and my girls, they helped me to be a better older sibling to them so they will continue to respect me as their “ate”. Unlike those SOB brothers of mine who took the wrong path in life by taking drugs.

We flew back to the US not even talking or saying goodbye to my three brothers. I don’t see the need to do so anymore and when I go back in the next two years, I would let them feel that I am no longer interested making up with them or whatsoever. My concern now is my mother and my two younger siblings. I promised to my self, there will be no financial support they can get from me from that day forward.

There will also be no more pasalubong for them as they don’t see the value or did not appreciate the stuff I gave them. In fact, the severely addicted SOB sold the stuff that I gave him for cheap price or worst swapped them for a gram of shabu! Imagine?

I will still visit the Philippines but am not gonna set foot in that house ever again. I can live without them and I won’t die not talking to them. Promise, my next vacation will be enjoyable with just a few members of my family to hang out with.

My emotions are raging, I know. But can you blame me?

I am Feeling the New Year Blues!

For seven years of living in this country, one thing is for sure that I can never get used to, is the feeling of being lonely during major Holidays like birthdays, Christmas and New Years! I have been battling this feeling for years, although I may not say it so often but it hit me big time whenever these Holidays come.

My husband and kids were born here so I am pretty much alone in this battle every year. They can never relate with me or understand me unless of course they were born in other countries. Things are so different here. You know the feeling when you have no family or friends around to celebrate it with? Nowhere to go, you wanted to go out but you don’t know where exactly you want to go? My social life is pretty much dead. Life in this country is sooooooo boring! This is not the life I grew up with. This is not how I am used to celebrating these occasions.

I wish my husband was outgoing so at least I can divert my attention and have fun once in a while, but no… he is just happy to stay in the house. I’m not.

I missed hanging out with my old friends, I missed my little brother and sister, I missed to just sit down and laugh with my friends and just be me! I am very jealous looking at those pictures shared on Facebook, the food they prepared for Noche Buena, the sincere smiles on their faces, the fireworks and all, they don’t have much there but they have all the joys painted on their faces as they celebrate Christmas and welcoming the New Year. What about me? Well, I just sat on a chair, on the computer, so lonely, feeling the New Year like an ordinary day! Sucks, ain’t it?

Last time I spent Christmas and New Year with my Filipino family was last 2010, it was unbelievable and I don’t know when I will be able to do that again… it was the last Christmas I have seen my father alive… I want to go home forever and never come back.

I have seen what America is like, I have experienced what life in America is so if I can go back to the Philippines for good, I’ll be happy. Only if I can have my own place, live a peaceful and convenient/comfortable life alone, away from the chaotic and crazy people (people who contribute nothing but trouble into my and mother’s mind)… then I’ll be happy living in the Philippines again…

Duh, just venting out exactly how I feel right now, ranting my New Year blues! It is not a good way to start my year I know but I am just being transparent of the way I feel… Being homesick is my greatest enemy in this country. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and girls, most of the time I am loving my days here, living life the way I pictured out 10 years ago but I can’t help feeling homesick around this time of the year!

Bored And Worried

I feel bored during the day. There is nothing much to do here, less tasks plenty of time to think of going out but I can’t. I am afraid the car is gonna blow up if I drive it somewhere. Last Sunday, the front hood was steaming and leaking with a lot of water. It worries me. I asked my husband why that was, he had no answer. So now I feel trapped… I so wanting to see the crowd, breathe fresh air or get away from the house for a while…
At night, I worry to death…because of my blogs… I’ve been blogging for almost 5 yrs. now and my blogs are part of me that is hard to let go. So please God, don’t let my great fear happen. You know deep in my heart I wish that they will stay as long as I live!

Missing My Little Siblings!

I miss my little sister, Alex now. I haven’t talked to her since I came back from my vacation in the Philippines four months ago. I chose not to call them for I don’t want to hear complaints or problems from people who cannot find peace in their own home. The only person I’m in contact with is my little sister through chikka messenger. She cannot send me a message their instead she’d send her reply to me on Facebook from her phone. It isn’t enough I know, I want to hear her voice including my little brother but I want to wait a little longer before calling them.
We used to chat every weekend but I had our internet in Cebu disconnected for personal reason. Chatting and having to see them on the webcam was so cool. If only Philippines and America were close, I could’ve sneaked out here and see them quick each time I want to see their faces, hear their voice and just being a big sister to my little siblings!

~~ My Thought Of The Day ~~

I am open to expressing my feelings to my husband. Personal or intimate thoughts I have, I can easily burst it out to him.

Amazing! After 5 years of being married to him I still find him attractive, the feelings are constant, never changing, never fading and getting stronger each passing day. The attraction I have for him is the same the very first day I laid my eyes on him in the airport of his first visit in Cebu..until this very moment I am writing this entry.

…and that is exactly what I told him last night just before we head to wonderland…and all he could do is bump me with his elbow… ah I don’t know what he was thinkin’ all I know is that I was very wide awake when I said all those things to him…. BOW! Drama ra dah!

I Wanna Go Home

This song “Home” by Michael Buble really catches my emotion right now. It’s December the 1st and not long from now, it will be Christmas. The more I think of it coming, the more the lonelier I get. I wanna go home this Christmas ok?

I hate to think, hear, watch music and videos that has something to do with Christmas becauseeeeeee it just makes me sicker! Hohohoho I long to experience the Noche Buena and fireworks at midnight again for once in my life. Four years not being able to hear firecrackers is so deafening to me that I wanna go home right away, can you hear me? I wannaaaa go home!!!

The “Kilig” Feeling Is Still There

After being married to my husband for five years I can certainly say that “kilig” feeling I had for him when I first saw him on the internet is still there! Kilig is Filipino word that I can best describe as a kind of feeling a teenager feels when she caught her crush staring back at her and that glance of him soothes down to her bones! It’s a feeling of excitement that is so hard to describe.

I was right when I said “I do” when he proposed to me for marriage for he is still the same man I met years back! Seeing his face everyday makes me utter “handsome” with matching pinching of his cheeks, that same description of my man has never changed from the moment I laid my eyes on him until the present time. Yeah call me pathetic for marrying the man who IS MY TYPE!

I am blessed for I have found and married the man I never thought existed in this world. He is more than what I’ve hoped for. God is good for giving me my husband who is beyond what I am looking for!

Nah, what am I talking here in the middle of the night? I may just be too exhausted but just want to speak up what’s in my heart tonight lolz. Ciao gotta sleep now mana ko padayag ako gibati!

What A Torture

Today is nothing like a boring day for me. I couldn’t think of anything to do so I indulge myself on browsing for perfumes, clothes, shoes and any kind of stuff that a woman wants. I’ve visited several online stores and wherever I go BIG signs of LABOR DAY WEEKEND SALE are everywhere right in the front page.

I so wanted to buy atleast one item that I really like but I’m thinking of my family in the Philippines. They’re already low on money and I have some but it’s just enough for my monthly allowance to them. I have no budget for anything right now, honestly. Sigh. If only I had a job so I can buy anything I want.

My blogging is still not doing good. For the past couple of months it has been soooooo really tough for me so all I could do right now is try to avoid looking at temptations that could ruin my budget.